Wednesday, May 14, 2008
I hate it. I hate it when you accuse me of something I'm not, without any proof at all.
I know it's been long since I last posted, but this post will be really emo.
All these feelings pent up inside me. Talking with Stella, Hui Min or Kristal will not help, because it doesn't solve the problem. When they talk or laugh with me, the pain goes away, but it'll return once more.
I know this sounds very unlike me, but I guess everybody will have a breakdown sometime or the other. Hopefully, I'll be able to stand up after this.
I had to let it out before going Shenyang. I can't bottle all these up.
You could accuse me of a thousand things, and I'll acknowledge it if it's true. It hurts the most when you accuse me of being an ineffective leader, when I tried really hard to prove I'm one. I really did. I know they say you can't please everybody, but when that one person against you is making your life alot harder and tried to 'campaign' against you, I find it hard to follow it.
There are 10 people in the group and and you had to be the only one against me. The others were perfectly fine, but you had to ruin it. You called up everyone of them just to complain about me. EVERYONE in our group. Don't think I don't know. Amongst them were my closest friends and they told me. The rest told me too. One was reluctant to say, but not for her loyalty to you, but because she didn't want to hurt me. Because she knows how it feels too. It hurts so much to know that you're going all out to pit yourself against me, calling everyone on their phones to complain. Perhaps I should feel honoured, that you actually waste your time on someone as IRRESPONSIBLE as me?
I thought you were going to play your game, stabbing me behind my back, but never revealed anything when I'm present. I told myself you could handle that. But you didn't even bother covering it up this morning. You insulted me right to my face, talking as if I were not there. I AM HUMAN TOO! I HAVE FEELINGS! I couldn't take it anymore.
I cried during assembly, you know? Hui Min told me that I actually was a leader deep inside, and I don't have to care about what the others thought. Thanks alot for that, Hui Min. And to Kristal too. Thanks alot for telling him off. It meant alot. Nikki asked if I cried during lesson. Even Mrs Wee noticed. She didn't at first called me and Stella to the front because she thought my reading was good. She kept on looking at me during class after she saw my eyes all red. But you were too in your world to care.
You didn't open your eyes to see and blindly accused me of not contributing to the performance. You said you came up with all the ideas. If your memory didn't fail you, then you should know that I came up with quite a few ideas and YOU were the one who shot it down before asking the approval of the group. Poh Yee can testify to that. Hui Min showed us an action that quite a few people thought it nice. I told you and you went on to tell everybody how I add uneccessary stuff in it.
You also said that I only listen to Ms Lim and do not care about what my friends think. To put it bluntly, you say I suck up to Ms Lim. I only write down the ideas that she came up with that I thought were good or useful. Then I heard that you said it yourself that you wanted to be Ms Lim's pet. You were trying your best to please her. You're contradicting yourself!
Funny the way it works. You were complaining about me to others, but that didn't stop you from complaining about others to me.
You then blame me for things that went wrong. You didn't think that, for once, your instructions were unclear and more than half the people didn't know what to do?
When we were carrying those part-fans to the library, you blame me because the papers clump together. You tried it yourself and it clumped together alright. You didn't say anything after that. Well, one couldn't blame the forces of nature, could they?
When you need help you said: 'Can SOMEBODY help me with it?'
Oh, and the nearest 'somebody' happens to be me, or rather, the only 'Somebody' was me.
You don't even have the decency to call my name. Do you hate me that much? From what I've heard, you seem to be against Mian Yu as well and said she wasn't doing her work as assist. leader. I thought it was over after we exited the MRL room.
I was wrong. You are bent on making my life hell.
I recieved your sms after that. It's incredible how a 12 word sms can cause me so much pain and unhappiness. It's abrubt and tells me how little you thought of me. Perhaps I was reading too much into things. But after that, you asked me to 'Ask me to ask my friend about the T-shirt IMMEDIATELY' at 10.40pm. You were obviously making things hard for me.
All through the day, you made many scathing remarks and I had to stop myself from crying all these time. You order us about and did not spare a thought for others. It's not just me, the others are complaining too. Siu Yen was right. If you say that I make a bad leader, why don't you back off a bit so that I have the space to be the leader? I'm just a leader in name, you take all the responsibilities and you don't even give me a chance to lead, so how can I prove myself when you shoot down every idea I give and dismiss everything I say?
I really cannot take it anymore. Sometimes I wish that the ground would just swallow me whole.
But I'll pick up,
I'll pick up.
But sometimes I wish I don't have to.
Blogged
@ 8:30 AM
Don't let me go -
